Hi guyssss.

It's been ages since I last blogged, about a year ago?
But today, Idk but I wanted a platform to vent my feelings. Decided to use this blog since the other one's already past (i locked it hehe).

So anw, after this year started and I kinda settled down in my new Sec 3 class, I thought "hey, my life ain't so bad".
Classmates are pretty okay and I have Katrina by my side everyday (well apart from the many times she disappears).
Besides the fact that I feel a little sad and awkward during recess, & sometimes I have to wander around alone til someone from my clique appears.. The days have been alright I guess.

But recently, my friends got into some conflict. Well, idk but I'm more affected than I should be since I'm not actually involved.
Ok besides that.
Today started off with morning jog, it was fine since I just walked majority of the two rounds with Mel and Jasmine.
But later, we had to see Mrs Gurong. We didn't even know why we were there, but apparently we signed up for some flag day but didn't turn up and Gurong was mad at us. C'mon, we didn't even know about it? And she wanted us to write reflections etc. What even.
Then after getting lectured by her, we returned to class and realized we had Lit graded assignment. It already started and Ms Waheeda was pissed at me and Katrina for coming late. She didn't extend the time for us, and we just did the freaking GA.
Wow, two scoldings in one morning.

Katrina was feeling unwell and was kinda dead the whole day (or rather when lessons got boring hahaha). And I was feeling really sleepy and dead as well. Hence lessons seemed really dry and all. She went to the sickbay and I was alone during Chinese. Joined Mel and Jas for Chem lab lesson.

Chow came over to ask us if we were having lunch. Had to go up and pass Chevi smth so yeah, and Sam asked if I could eat with her.
So in the end it was me, Sam and Chow for lunch since Katrina couldn't.
Went to Peoperlunch, and everything was a little lighter with these jokers. Leanne showed up after. Well, it was good,everyone was kinda confessing + laughing at our stupid selves in the past.
I was kinda hurt by some things Leanne said though, she made it sound as though I'm really such a horrible person ): I cried a little idek why hahaaha.
So anw, like I mentioned, I was actually affected by Chow's conflict with someone and idk but how can someone actually believe Chow is such a bad friend? I don't get how they can believe the other person about Chow etc.

Here comes the freaking emotions:

Nvm that, missed my 162 bus just by a split second cos I was caught up by the traffic light. And in next bus I got in, I scrolled through my twitter timeline. And I saw bro's tweet "Fuck lah. Sis dropped my laptop then got prob. Cb" because his laptop slipped out of my hand yesterday after I borrowed it to print smth >: I felt so freaking guilty and I really don't like it when my bro uses vulgarities like that.
My mood was further dampened and later on I even saw that he tweeted his laptop couldn't even switch on. The guilt was killing me, but what can I do?

Came home and bro just ignored my presence. Well, kinda expected. And what I hate about him is that when he is unhappy, he doesn't say it to you, he either bottles it up or posts online. So I was like nvm, he'll tell me when he's ready.

Went to shower and suddenly I just began thinking about stuff.
Like how most days I come home to an empty home, and on days my bro is home, he's always too engrossed with smth else to hear about my day.
I just thought, oh how I missed coming home to Daddy sitting by his bed where I'll just go there and complain about my day. He may not give drastic responses but at least I have someone to blabber to. I mean I can do that with my bro, but I feel bad disturbing him from whatever game he's playing right.
And how when Daddy was well, how I miss him fetching me from school. How I miss the times we shared in the car when it was just the two of us. He'd drop by his regular Singapore Pools branch to buy his 4D numbers/bets on soccer, and he'd leave the engine on so I wouldn't feel warm.
And when we reach the carpark and after parking his car, he'd automatically take my school bag for me from the backseat. The front seat was perpetually my seat, sometimes even when mummy was around. I am so spoilt I swear.
Don't even get me started on the things he prepares for me before he fetched me to school in the past. Down to the small details of my daily needs.

And so, I obviously started tearing in the shower (and while writing this lolol). But I felt so much better. And I know he is watching me and he'll always be in my heart.
I just wonder how different everything would be right now if he was still around.
I regret not taking more pictures with him, I regret so much okay. So freaking many things that I regret not doing with him. And not even giving him a hug on his last day, not hearing any last words.
And look how I am right now. How messed up the house is without him secretly packing it when no one was home. How everything is falling apart and no one seems to be doing anything about it. Mum's chest has been hurting and I still don't see myself helping with chores I don't even know why. I don't know what I'd do if anything were to happen to her. But why am I still not fulfilling duties as her daughter...

The smile I've been putting up all these while. Some probably think its because I wasn't close to my daddy? Oh, you haven't seen this daddy's girl. And some people tell me I'm strong, idk, maybe.

And then I also thought about the random friendship problems I had. How I hate those shit. Can't I be a more pleasant and likeable person.. I rmb too much sad things. I'm friends with people I've fought with in the past, but why do I still hold on to the bad past we had.. I can't stop myself from thinking about how I actually wasn't invited to a closed friend's only birthday party, or how I actually was hated by some of my closest friends.

Oh well.
Enough of the emo shit, I'll be fine tomorrow (if nth crappy comes up)!
thank you if you actually read this.
and sorry if your impression of me is ruined HAHAHAHA